*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.