Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
set yourself free xox
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably