Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
the simulation is moving too fast
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.