Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]