Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.