Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.