Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
that’s really how it is
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat