me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Oh my God.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back