My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
stand with me against insufficient seating
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from