I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You Might Also Like
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
This is why I hate group projects
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!