Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
that colleague who touches your screen
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.