If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Happy Friday
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.