starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.