[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
When news reporters do sports stories
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?