We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.