Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.