I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this