I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.