I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
i really liked this one
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!