Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
There’s no “u” in narcissist
how it started vs how it ended
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming