[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Genius idea!!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.