Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
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A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.