A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
You Might Also Like
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.