Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
the #horror is real!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing