[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?