APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.