Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You Might Also Like
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I hate my earbuds.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Who.
Did.
This?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.