Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
You Might Also Like
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.