Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there