Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”