My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.