Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My first son he is wonderful
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I put the p in pants.