Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Beep beep
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Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.