My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?