“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.