My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it