Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.