I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You Might Also Like
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.