Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what