2022: I can fix it
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn鈥檛 in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn鈥檛 feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
why would tinder want me to say this
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
Me: I鈥檓 going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It鈥檚 Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
everyone has that one prude friend
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
saw this in a dream
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?