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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.