I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
estão todos miauvindo?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.