Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food