Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
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Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.