Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
True?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Lmfao
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.