My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
You Might Also Like
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.