then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past