A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.