In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
You Might Also Like
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I miss this era type of pranks😭
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?