[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.